Rambling - Chapter 8

Nammuru…….

On popular demand I am writing this article about my home town, Bengaluru.  It is a beautiful city (I know because all the outsiders tell me that).  I am from a very middle class area Malleshwaram.

The history of Bengaluru is a very interesting one which you can find on Google (do some work). History of Malleshwaram is also a very interesting one (Ref : Google again……gotcha).

Bengaluru is a unique city and well known for the year round spring (WAS…..) and daily drizzle (WAS……).

We don’t have any sense of distance.  You ask anybody in Bengaluru “how far is this address?”, he will look at it like Arvind Kejrwal looked at congress manifesto and reply “Ille ide ree”(Its here only sir”).   There are a few words in Bengaluru Kannada which is not present in any other dialect of the state, I will mention two here: Swalpa and Sakath.

You will know a true Banglurian by his answers to the following questions(This is for Bengalurians born in 70’s)

1)      Where do you go to BUY booze after 11.30 in Majestic?

2)      Where is booze supplied if you want to sit and drink say, at 2 in the morning?

3)      Which are the 3 main colleges to visit to improve your mood?

4)      What do you call the leader of a gang?

5)      What will the leader of the gang call you?

6)      What is booze called in Bangaluru?

7)      When planning for a booze party, what do you call it?

8)      When you drink only 90ml and walk out, what is it called?

9)      When you sit and drink with your friends what is it called?

10)   When a Banglurian is trying to convince you, what is the word he uses to address you?

11)   What do you call a beautiful girl? 2 names

12)   What do you call a beautiful married woman?

13)   What a Bengalurian asks a person who speaks in English all the time?

14)   Name the best idli joint in Malleshwaram

15)   Which area do you get the best “Kal Soup”? Name the road.

16)   Name of the theater in Majestic which shows only adult movies.

17)   After 10 pm, what is the charge to hire an auto from anywhere to anywhere?

18)   College in Malleshwaram which houses the easiest girls

19)   Name the bar in Malleshwaram that every boy from Malleshwaram has visited in his life time atleast once

20)   What do Banglurians call a nerd?

You give your answers as comments. Remember that this is specific to my area and it was a loooong time ago.  Just have fun, don’t do research.

More to come on Nammuru…….

Rambling - Chapter 6

Men and Hygiene

Just saying these two words in the same sentence will get women rolling on the floor with laughter which would be hilarious for a man as well, seeing a grown woman do that. But seriously, men are hygienic more than women know. I know it sounds like a BJP speech in Old City but here goes.

Basically, men’s morning ritual can be condensed in to three letters: SSS (Shit, Shave and Shower) which pretty much covers everything that is required to be clean and presentable.  I cannot say that for Modi (I am not talking about the shaving part).

A woman’s morning ritual consists of making ruckus about the bathroom condition, Shit, Shave, Shower, choose dress, wear dress, choose another dress, wear dress, choose another dress, wear dress………it goes on like that. Two parts of a woman’s morning ritual takes a lot of time.  Part one is shaving because the area is larger and slicker.  Part two is choosing dress. Choosing a dress takes lot of time because it has to meet with so many criteria. Some are given below :

1)      Should not have been worn in the last 45 days at-least

2)      Should closely match her friend’s but not the same shade

3)      Her “other” friends should not have that pattern (Women don’t have enemies, they have friends and “other” friends)

4)      Should have been worn by a celebrity in any recent telecasted event (Point of discussion for the day)

5)      Her husband should not like it (They will show you two dresses and wear the one you did not choose.)

6)      Should be her mother’s favorite (Point of discussion on the evening call to mummy)

I don’t know why women are under the impression that men are dirty and unclean pigs? We have reasons for the way we are. Take a Sunday for example. I get up, brush (when it suits me), have breakfast (not in that order) and watch TV.  I don’t have to go anywhere, anybody coming home….should do so at their own risk. So, why should I take bath.  Isn’t it a fact that bathing was invented to be presentable to others?  On the contrary I ask my wife, who are you getting dressed up for on a Sunday morning. I say it is ridiculous to go to all that trouble just to sit and watch TV.

Then there is that small matter of how to behave in public. When I happen to meet my wife’s friends I am as presentable as one can get.  There was this one women who we met in the market, she wanted to know everything about me(I vaguely remember her asking what are my identification marks). My wife was livid with me for not having shaven that day and she said “I told you to shave in the morning, now see what happened?” What’s the deal with that? Why should I look attractive to my wife’s friend?

To all the women out there, we have figured out what your problem is.  You want us to look like those guys in TV serials, right? Always immaculate, not one hair out of place, talking softly and maturely, crying at the drop of a hat, feeling for everything everybody say or didn’t say.  Getting softly angry if relatives don’t invite for some get together, not smoking, not drinking. 

Did you women notice that these men are always at home sorting out family problems? Did you ever notice that the back bone of the serial is extra marital affairs that the husband is having?

Feel lucky with what you have got sisters, there is nothing called a Hygienic Male.

Rambling - Chapter 5

Old Sayings are…..

I grew up listening to these old sayings.  Like, old is gold, what you sow so you reap, time and tide waits for none, so on and so forth.  I am sure even you have a few lines etched in your brain from your younger days.

Are all these sayings sensible? I am not sure. First of all why don’t they come out and say what they want to say instead of using these lines.  Most of them are irrelevant, indecipherable and probably non traceable to its origin.  If you actually trace them back to their origin, you will find that a man said most of these things after a few beers and a few pegs of tequila.

Lets take one for example…..”History repeats itself”.  If this is true then why aren’t we able to predict future accurately?.  If that line was true, you would have a conversation similar to this :

Astrologer (ASS.  For the sake of numerology I added one more S): Whad is your dade of birdth (read as birth)

You (U.  That significant you are) : dade of what?

ASS: Birdth, birdth.

U : (Perplexed) what is a dade of birdth?

ASS: (Perplexedth) the dade thad you dook birdth onn (the second n is not for numerology, that’s how he says “on”)

U : (Flustered, because I used perplexedth twice already) first dell me, sorry, tell me what is a dade?

ASS: (Now really angry at U, correct… you, for not undersdanding a simple word) wad will you do knnowing your fuudure if kannod undersdand a simble (now you got it righdth? Ha ha ) word lige dade?

U : (Egually, sorry ….equally angry) who is asging, sorry, asking you for my fudure? I am here to asg, sorry ask if you know where is the nearest wine sdore, store?

 Since this conversation is not going anywhere lets go to another version:

ASS: What is your date of birth?

U : 16^th August 1974

ASS : Time?

U : for what?

ASS : What is your time of birth?

U : (With a sheepish smile) oh, 23:46

ASS : Wow, that’s specific. No problem give me some time.

U : Ok. Time for what?

ASS : To tell you your fudure, future.

U : Future? I just wanted to know where is the nearest wine stores?

ASS: Since we have come so far, why don’t you know it anyway?

U: What do you charge?

ASS: What are you buying?

U: Huh!!!!

ASS: What are you buying to drink?

U : Smirnoff vodka

ASS : One quarter

U : No, full bottle

ASS : You are really dumb, I said I will charge one quarter

U : (Again with the sheepish smile) oh, ok

ASS : Lets see, since history repeats itself, in next 5 years, you will cheat government of its money, become CM of your state for 49 days, resign for no reason, create havoc on roads, get slapped atleast twice and contest again shamelessly.

U : Wow! That’s specific.

See what I mean? So what do you think of that?.

My parents always told that these sayings were handed down from generations.  We are from lower middle class background, our ancestors could have used their time more productively and handed down property instead of these one liners which sounds like congress manifesto. Now unfortunately I am going to hand down the same shit to my son as well because instead of using MY time productively I am writing these BS articles which no one reads or understands.

Lets take one more saying, “What you sow, so you reap”.  Really?  You figured it out all by yourself? NOOOOOOOO. Come on, admit it, you are a scientist right?. 

What crap!!!! So you are telling me, what is true for plants and trees are exactly true for human actions? If that was true then everybody that Modi is contesting in this elections should be behind bars, or dead preferably.

I mean, where do they come up with all this? Worst still, it gets handed down.

You go and tell a Setu that “Old is gold”.  He will laugh you out of his shop and report you to his community in his next meeting of NPA (National Pawnbrokers Association) under the category “The most hilarious person I have met”.  Your name will be on their wall of fame, right below Deve Gowda’s.  I am not sure why his name is etched there.

Check this out : “A brother may not be a friend, but a friend will always be a brother”. -- Ben Franklin.  Obviously Mr. Franklin never met Salman of his time. I mean, he was after all one of the founding fathers of the most powerful nation, you would think atleast he would say something like “Your fudure is in your boss’ yands”.

To give you an overall picture of what I am talking about, given below is a sample sayings and my thoughts on the same :

Saying	My thoughts
A guilty conscience needs no accuser.      -- English Proverb<	If you cannot hide it, then don’t do it
A horse may run quickly but it cannot escape its tail.      -- Russian proverb (on conscience)	Horse's tail is not detacable Mr. Bean
A tree falls the way it leans.      -- Walloon (on rewards and consequences)	Wait till it leans, then run the other way
Bad gains are true losses.      -- Ben Franklin (1706-1790)	Mr. Franklin must have been around for the 2G Scam
Conscience makes cowards of us all.      -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616)	Don’t think too much, just gulp it down
Depend on others and you will go hungry.      -- Nepalese (on self-reliance)	Bring you own snaks to the booze party
Depend on your walking stick; not on other people.      -- Japanese (on self-reliance)	あなたの杖に依存;されていない他の人々に
Empty sacks will never stand upright.      -- Italian Proverb	If it does, video and upload on youtube
Everyone gets their just deserts.      -- unknown	Good then, mine will be Liquer
He that goes aborrowing, goes asorrowing.      -- R. Taverner (1545)	he who agoes asying athings with "a" will aget abeatn up
He that lies down with the dogs riseth with fleas.      -- George Herbert (1593-1633)	Does it matter to him. Really? Are you grooming a homeless man?
Hurry is good only for catching flies.      -- Russian (on the conduct of life)	Which Hari? I am sure he is pissed by this
It's no use closing the barn door after the horse is gone.      -- John Heywood (c.1497-1580)	Wait till it goes and then close the door and don’t make any sound
Let the punishment fit the crime.      -- W.S. Gilbert (1836-1911)	Rs. 200 crore stolen and the guy is roaming free. Sure, no problem
Liars often set their own traps.      -- Aesop (c.620-560 BC)	Learn to lie and remember them
Little leaks sink the ship.      -- Ben Franklin (1706-1790)	Big ones does too, but no, we will not talk about them.
Medicine left in the container can't help.      -- Yoruba (West African)	The ones that you take will kill you, so what does yoruba mean?
Mess with the bull and one usually gets the horns.      -- Latin American saying	That’s tempting.  What happened to you will get trampled on?
No sleep, no dreams.      -- Korean (on rewards and consequences)	Then you are in good health
One who steals has no right to complain if he is robbed.      -- Aesop (c.620-560 BC)	If you are a thief and get robbed, then you are plain simple stupid
The creditor hath a better memory than the debtor.      -- unknown	But the debtor has better reasons.  On your face unknown
The eagle was killed with an arrow made with its own feathers.     -- Armenian (on paradox)	That’s just plain spiteful. You can even shoot them. What kind of a sadist will catch an eagle, take a few feathers, release that eagle and then kills it?
The fat is in the fire.      -- John Heywood (c.1497-1580)	All thin ones, run…….
The frog enjoys itself in water but not in hot water.      -- African proverb Wolof Tribe	Once the frog is in hot water, Goans enjoy them
The proof is in the pudding.      -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)	Then don’t tell the police, idiot
What breaks in a moment may take years to mend.      -- Swedish Proverb	Time pass. If anything breaks in a moment, it is not worth mending. It will break again.
What you give is what you get.      -- unknown	Not true, sometimes you don’t get anything back.
You can't buy an inch of time with an inch of gold.      -- Chinese (on time and timeliness)	If you are going around with gold asking for time in exchange, let me know where you are.

Rambling - Chapter 3

Traffic

A necessary evil, if you ask me. It is like our Bollywood movies, general elections, TV Serials, etc. I am a fairly good driver, but sometimes it takes a race car driver to reach office on time. Where I stay, people have severe depth perception issues. They cant make out difference between the road and you. So you constantly have to keep looking back to ensure that you don’t get run over, but then the problem is, when I tried this, I ran over some street vendors.

Added to this there is another peril. Yes, you guessed it right….women drivers. That omnipotent species who are driving insurance industry to the top of the chart. I don’t get whats wrong with them, I mean when you are on a bike, lets say, what do you do if you are head on with another vehicle or Khusboo? If it is the first one you apply break, if it is the second one, you apply break and ask her out…..right? .  Noooooo, a women will not do either of them.  She will remove both her hands from the handle, close her ears and give out a shrill cry for the benefit of the public. Then what happens? The other vehicle is obviously at fault because he is a he and if the other vehicle happens to be Khushoo, then it is a win win.

Take a ride in my neighborhood, your experience will be somewhat like this: 1^st gear, speed breaker, 2^nd gear, speed breaker, some kids, another vehicle which is parked almost in the middle of the road than another speed breaker, some more kids, speed breaker, a family making major decisions in the middle of the road, speed breaker, kids, a person in car is searching for an address, speed breaker, kids, kids, kids, and it goes on. Did you notice you never reached 3^rd gear? I am not exaggerating.

You might think I have some serious issues with women drivers, I beg to differ.  I don’t have any serious issues with women drivers, any citizen with half a mind towards reaching retirement intact and one day dying in bed peacefully has serious issues with women drivers. It is not that women cannot drive, of course they can, it is just that women should not drive, because they have other priorities like makeup, hair out of place, attending to calls, make up, hair out of place etc.

Another category of traffic criminals are husbands teaching their wives to drive.  I appreciate the planning the husband is doing to get rid of his wife, but what about the traffic?. Oh, that reminds me, I have to take my wife for driving lessons this evening (he he he he).

I have devised an ingenious plan to get rid of this menace.  While issuing license, RTO authorities must insist on NOC from mother-in-law of the woman applicant (villainous laugh).

Rambling - Chapter 2

Women

When god created earth, he was in a very happy mood.  He was very proud of what he had done and wanted to show it off to somebody (A natural tendency in men, god or not).  So he called Adam and asked “Yo, Adam, what do you think?”. To which Adam replied by asking “’bout what?”.  God smiled at his naiveté(A natural tendency in gods to think everybody is naïve)”My son, the world around you?, the lush green trees, fresh water, chirping birds, wild animals, cool breeze and of course apples”.  Adam looked around for a while in surprise and asked “What about them?”. This time god was a little irritated “What about them? What do you mean? Aint it awesome?”.  Again Adam had that look on his face that Modi had when AAP won. For a while, Adam did not say anything.  Then he looked at the Lord Almighty and asked again “Come again bro? what did you want to know?”.  Now god was really really pissed.  How dare this mere mortal not even notice his wonderful creation.  But he was god, the personification of patience and epitome of forgiveness, so he gulped down his wrath and in his godly voice (which is somewhere between Ambrish Puri’s angry voice and Sachin Tendulkar’s victory voice)he explained his question again “I wanted to know what the fuck do you think of the creation around you. You know those green things that are fluttering, small lively things that float in the air without any strings, that blue thingie which you just washed your ass in and of course, lets not forget that red round thing which I asked you not to eat but you went ahead and ate the fuck up anyway. What do you think of these?”.  Now Adam looked like he just went for a royal poop (of course he did you nincompoop. Didnt you read that phrase where god said he washed his ass?).”Oh, those things? Huh, pretty ok by me I guess.  I mean, you are god after all and you have all these cool powers.”.  Now, the all powerful really got it to his head.  “7 days I sat and did this shit one by one and all this idiot says is “ok?”.  I will show him” thought the Lord and hence created women.

Now, the historians, mythologists and their kind may dispute the above fact but it only goes to show how much they know. You see, if Adam had given a good answer instead of replying like Modi ,when asked where he got money for his election campaigning, then may be God would have created one more man, this time with some beer bottles in hand. But nooooo, this first idiot had to act like Arvind K when he got slapped in public for the second time and had to say that stuff.  Now we are stuck with this other species who ought to have grown on trees.  I personally don’t have anything against the fairer sex(I am all for them while  they are between 22 to 30 years) but history has time and again proved that it is because of them that world is where it is.

Lets take a closer look at men when he is around women.  When a man is with his wife alone (no, don’t go there.  This is a decent article and I don’t want it censored) he acts the way she wants, while thinking that’s what he wants.  That’s the power a wife has over her husband. Take my marriage for example, my wife is a very beautiful woman, who is multi talented. She can cook, clean, wash, keep records of whatever she keeps record of , watch multiple mega serials without getting confused or numb in the brain, remember my birthday, remember all the time that I did not remember her birthday, choose what dress I wear, etc etc.  Wow, just listing them got me tired.  She does all this but cannot remember to bring coconut for breakfast (Ref : Rambling – Introduction). It is uncanny how she knows when I get calls from friends to fix a date for a party, that too while on the call. For example, only last week my friend Raj (I will be writing a chapter on this guy later for better perspective) called and invited me to his home because his family will be away on vacation.  While on the call my wife walks in from the kitchen and just stands there looking at me and all I was saying was “Aaha” “ummm”, “ok”, “that’s fine”, “correct”.  How can she deduce, what she deduces only from that is beyond me. God has bestowed this power to all women is my strong belief.

They have all these cool powers.  They are called women’s intuition. They know what you are going to say next or even what you are going to do next.  Remember that lady in the window you read about in the first chapter? Well ,my wife knows about her. How did god create this miracle and clung on to sanity is an eternal, unanswered question.

All women are alike.  They like to talk about everything on earth (make it everybody on earth).  If you witnessed a kitty party (Medically not recommended) you will find that all of them are talking at the same time but somehow manage to understand each other.

Well, to sum it up, they are cooler than men (I know my wife will read this and I still have not bought that coconut).

Hats off to all the women, all you men can go to hell (not the married ones, you are already in one)

Rambling - Chapter 1

                                                                    Parenting
Now, why would anybody in their right senses have kids? This is beyond me.  SBID is yet to reply (Like I said, years).  I don’t have anything against kids….I love kids actually.  So far they are not mine, they invisible and inaudible. I remember reading somewhere (ref google) that parenting is a job that comes without a job description and child is a toy that comes without an instruction manual.  This is soooo true.

I live in an apartment and my neighbors have kids.  Totally there are 9 kids in the building.  I sometime think that they took birth to conspire against me. The sound level they make is beyond anything I have heard, cannot be measured in decibels or any bells.  At first I thought they were talking to each other  from their respective houses, which were in different floors.  One day ,out of my scientific curiosity, which was aided by anger due to lack of sleep and food (latter driven by the lack of coconut) I went to investigate.  To my horror all these horrendous 2 feet blobs were standing next to each other and talking at the top of their lungs.  I think I saw one of them actually turn blue in the face.  I just stood there, watching this amazing phenomenon and contemplating whether to throw them down from the second floor where they were playing or just for the fun of it, take them to fourth floor and then throw them down from there.

Then I saw their parents come out of their respective homes and start talking to each other.  To my horror, their voices drowned their kids voices. Now I believe in genes.  I think what these parents do is, when the baby cries for the first time and the decibel levels are any less than dolphin’s, they do away with the baby.  I know, dark thought but that is the only explanation why all the kids they sire have that kind of lungs.

Enough of my problems, lets come to the subject of parenting.  Who are parents? Definitely they are crazy, anatomically able, psychologically deteriorating and on the verge of psychopathological tendencies. Apart from these basic facts, who actually are parents? From my experience, which is formidable compared to yours (because you are still not able to grasp the importance of SBID), I think parents are the victims of social structure which was formed to torture men mainly.  The same social structure which, during cave days (happy days) did not allow men to fornicate in different caves with different women, but came out with this ridiculous concept called marriage.  Come on, look at it my way for a minute.  Why would anybody marry? , really.  I mean, wives are good (someone else’s, see what I mean?). I mean, you decide that a girl is good enough and you spend some time with her , respect her by not troubling her anymore, simple. This is one area the opposite gender agrees with me, but because they are subdued and oppressed in this society, they do not voice out(you go girl, I am with you.  No, really…. go). So this is how man got trapped in to one woman and many kids business, which is not working out well.

But with the advent of marriage and parenting, man did not get any instruction on the “how” part of it. Women have this tendency to be right all the time, so we have left kids to them.  So what in the world is parenting.  In my definition, parenting means an act of valor which includes monetary sacrifice without any returns, a colossal black hole which sucks up everything you have including your sanity and leaves you with a perpetual smile on the face and a numbness that can only be achieved by watching amol palekar’s emotional scenes.

Beware my friends, don’t be fooled by the size of the kids or the cuteness.  Why the hell do you think kids don’t talk much when you speak to them directly? They are thinking different and new ways of sucking up your energy and use them up for shrill voiced games

Rambling - Introduction

Nice title for a short book, heh?......I thought a lot about what to name my book.  I did not actually think a lot, but I definitely spent a lot of time smoking and watching TV and it suddenly came to me. In a way, it is also thinking.  You see….. all you mere mortals have two parts of your brain, right? (Ref : Google) but I have a third part, which actually is a part of the first part (Ref: Personal opinion I arrived at after a few pegs).  So this third part, herewith referred to as the Third Part, is what I call SBID( subconscious  backburner of introspective decision making vortex).  How is that?, come on admit it, you are impressed, right?.  No? shows how much YOU know.  Anyway, this is where I keep the questions to which I need time to think.  Good thing about this SBID is, once you send the question, you don’t have to actually think, after some time (‘sometime’ can be measured in years as well) it gives you the answer, no matter what.  My point is….. wait…….what was my point?.  Wait for some time, I have sent it to SBID. It is coming, it is coming, it is…..well, we shall come back to it later, like I told you, time in SBID can also be measured in years.

Now, what is the reason I wrote this book?.  Well here goes.  One morning, it was a Wednesday, I was looking out the window and thinking about life. No pervert, there was nobody in the opposite window.  I was actually thinking about life.  There is a specific reason why I was thinking about life.  Actually there are two reasons.  Reason One power was out, so watching TV was not an option and the other reason is that my wife would not give me breakfast till I bought her a coconut .  What is the connection you ask? Beats me……something about coconut being the main ingredient for that day’s breakfast.  I refused to climb down three floors and climb back up.  So, anyways, I was looking out the window and thinking about……there she comes.  This time there was somebody in the opposite window. My thought process was interrupted for some time (Can be measured in minutes, depending on how long she stays there).  Ok, We are back now. So, I was thinking about life, how deep it can be, how profound the universe is with all of Amitabh, SRK, Salman and Aamir, how boring it is even without Nasuruddin’s movies, how complicated it is, even without congress manifesto, how divine it is…..there she is again.  Wait for a few minutes………ok we are back.   How divine it is, without Nagma’s claims at being molested……so on and so forth. So, I decided that life is all that and more, depending on how old you are, who you are married to, if you are married to Karadarshin then life is longer and happier, how many kids you have, if you have no kids then refer to “Karadarshin”. This train of thought led me to another train of thought…..which in turn led me to another train of thought.  This third train of thought was about the phrase “train of thought”.  So my question is why can’t it be some other vehicle, why should it be a train?.   Then a miraculous thing happened.  What? No, I did not get breakfast, power came back on and I switched on the TV.  While watching TV I left this thing about life to SBID, see? How it helps? Now are you impressed?, no? ok…..never mind.  The same evening I hit upon this idea of writing memori….memore……a book, yes I wanted to write a book about my thoughts or whatever you may want to call that train thingie.

Honestly, I don’t think much because god has bestowed upon me (only me) with that thing called SBID, so whenever I get an answer from that area of my grey zone I write them down here.  Same as you, I have opinion on almost everything on this earth and beyond. Why, I even have opinion on the Almighty himself.  All I request you to do is to read them as they are, including between lines. Because, if you don’t read between line 1 and line 3, for example, you will miss out on line 2, right?.  See….who ever said that thing about reading between lines, must have failed in every exam, because she (men don’t read between lines, or between meals for that matter) always read half the lesson for her exams.

Question with no right answer

  The trickiest question a woman can ask ? 

      "Do I look fat in this dress?”. 

   Any which way you answer, you are fried.

Solace

                                               If your boss knew what he is doing,

                         he would be your peer

Teach and preach

                                                             Most of the disciplinarians are                                            only preachers 

Honest ? lee

                   When somebody asks your opinion “honestly”, 

                  always know what they want to hear

In the beginning God........

When god made earth, 

he messed up BIG time.

Parenting 1

Bringing up a child is like, 

watching yourself grow.

Marriage is an institution

Marriage is definitely an institution........ 

of the mental kind