After Life.....

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain

My kind of guy

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party - Ron White

Angrrrrrr

First you have to understand the below saying on my blog to be able to understand this article completely (i.e., if you are able to read it completely)

http://faceitbuddy.blogspot.in/2014/03/anger-is-not-strength.html

As per Webster dictionary anger is defined as a state in which you are anywhere between pissed or super pissed.  Really……..I know you want to check your dictionary, but if you have a dictionary at home and want to search the meaning of the word “anger”, then you are a suck up.

Anger is an emotion which causes you to do stupid things like slapping people in public, slapping people in pubic (read it again), biting ears off in the ring or on the football field, barking at people with cameras, shooting at innocent animals and wearing T shirts which contradicts what you did, etc, etc, etc, etc.

There is no one way the anger manifests itself.

You have to go home late on your wife’s birthday to witness one form of anger or call her mother names to see another form or ogle at her friend to witness yet another form.

Physiologically speaking, anger is not good for health.  It is a proven scientific fact.  Try the following Harvard approved , psycoanalatically proven experiment and you will know.

Friday evening: Sit with your wife and tell her that you are missing her very much and want to spend the entire weekend with her alone.

Saturday morning: Arrange for a friend to call and act as if there is an emergency at the office and walk out without complete explanation.

Sunday afternoon: If you can, update comments on this post if you agree with me or not.  You will see that anger is definitely not good for health.

Anger and booze don’t go well together.  Both wants to take over one another and almost always anger wins, meaning you will have to spend more on booze.  See what I mean? Whether you drive when you are drunk or not is left to you…….but never get angry when high.

So, why do we get angry? when people ask this dumb question is one reason, another is when people don’t meet our expectations (Even I can be profound), last reason is when people meet our expectations (Like mother-in-law being nice on a day when you have mustered enough courage to confront her about too many visits)

Anger is gender biased.  Anger is a woman is entirely different from anger in men.  It comes for different reasons, shows itself in different forms and always (without exception) ends in the man apologizing.

In women anger comes for no reason at all.  Here they are giggling one moment and the next they are so angry you will think that Arvind K joined NaMo for “chai pe charcha” and the very next they will be in tears.

Men get angry for simple and understandable reasons. No change for smoke, lighter not working, too much traffic on a Saturday, too many kids around (Number of kids can be 1 also), India losing to Pakistan, power off during a very interesting match, your wife's beautiful friend calling you brother, your wife's beautiful friend getting married, your wife's beautiful friend getting married to an arsehole, etc, etc, etc, etc.

When you get angry, you immobilize yourself and cause a lot of destruction to yourself and everyone around your like Arvind K did to Delhi………trust me friends, anger is one emotion you can do without………..

Best ways to beat anger are :

1)      Don’t acknowledge it

2)      Stay away from negative people

3)      Don’t expect others to be like you

4)      MOST IMPORTANT : Don’t cross your wife………

Hell hath no fury as the wrath of a woman scorned – William Congreve

OR

In simple words my boss used to say “Learn to let go”.  Thanks boss for those wise words, I am no longer getting beaten up at home as frequently as before.

All co hol......

When god invented women (refer to my previous article – Rambling 2) he was laughing at the man and generally having a good time at his misfortune.

God had created man in his own image and woman was created in the general likeness of Jackie Shroff.  Hence the almighty had a soft spot for the man and wanted to balance the wrong.

He thought all night (Even gods think , not sure about Arvind K) and decided that once created ,life cannot be taken back (however horrendous it may be).  So, the only way to correct the imbalance he had created, was to give man something which would make things tolerable.

So, the All Powerful created a divine juice and decided to call it All enCOmpassing Holistic juice (Hence forth will be referred to as booze for brevity, he he, brevity……….get it? ……. Don’t? then you are that horrendous thing that the god created to get back at man).

Men are arseholes as I have proved in several articles (Only thing my wife and I agree on).  So…..when Lord came to man and asked him to take a sip of the booze to make things more tolerable……the idiot gulped the jug down and crashed.

When he woke up again, he was acting funny. He saw that the other living thing was beautiful and very interesting.  The huge boulder thingies she had were now looking very attractive.  When she frowned, it was like she was coming on to him.  So his next few hours were very content and he did things to which even god had to turn the other way.  He did things like, washing his hands before eating, washing his ass after you know what, taking bath, etc.

Now god was disgusted.  God was on a roll messing up things, like Rahul. But god was better than Rahul, he owned his mistakes and wanted to correct them.

Abracadabra!!!! he made one more of those women thingies and made her fall in love with the man.

As soon as the two women started talking to each other, god bit his lip, gulped a jug of the booze and disappeared leaving the man to his booze and women.

Thus started the saga of vices on earth which is still going on successfully…………..

Love or first flight

My first love was Anuradha.  I saw her in a basketball ground. She used to come there for coaching and I used to go there for leching.

I remember that she was dark and had short hair and generally not good looking. Sometimes I am not even sure if she was a “She”, but there you go.  

First love, not very specific about looks or even gender, I think.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not gay or anything but thinking about it now, phew.

I practiced how to propose to her for many days and on the D day, messed it up. She rolled her eyes and walked away.

This gets me thinking about puppy love (now, don’t think that I was in love with a puppy).  What makes a boy fall for a girl at that early age.  There can be many contributing factors like loads of free time, peer pressure, demographic imbalance in the gender spread,  parents having successful careers, jobless parents, lenient attendance rules at school, irregular or absence of PTA and of course there is this little thing called hormonal growth and stuff which I don’t believe in (Up yours Darwin or whoever invented it).

What contributed to my first love is a mystery, or atleast I would like it to be that way.

Anyway, it fell flat on its face and thus started my saga of disappointments in life. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had she accepted to my proposal?

If you ask my wife (which is obviously not Anuradha) she will ask you for her address to beat her up for not accepting.

My marriage is also a love marriage, after proposal, eloping, hardwork (on my wife’s part), facing difficulties in life (on my wife’s part), enjoying (my part), etc.  I am a very happy man today because of love.  Because that is the only thing that is keeping my wife from planning some hideous way of getting rid of me. Ahhhhh, aint love grand?

One more love of my life is my son…….. he absolutely adores me (he also hero worships me – refer to my previous article “My daddy strongest”).  You should see the love in his eyes when I buy him inconsequential things like Rs. 12000/- tab, Rs. 8000/- guitar which he never uses, Rs. 800/- skate board which he does not know how to use, especially when I tell him it is ok to watch TV late in to night on school nights. Such is the grand way of love between father and son.  But my wife disagrees.  What do women know, right? Right?

The fun of following a girl home, letting her know in no uncertain terms that you are interested in her, showing her off to your friends and when she rejects, sulking and using that gap to start smoking and drinking.  Blaming it on her looks. Such is the interesting way a man should grow.  It is important that a boy go through this cycle to be a complete man (wearing Raymonds will only add to confusion).

So guys, take time today to think of your first love and what you did not do to woo her and how thankful you are that she rejected you so that you can be with your wife. (Pssst……..my wife is breathing down my neck).

My daddy strongest

This is one thing that all of us believed when we were growing up (I also believed growing up that Rambha’s thighs had its own galaxy).

Father was our hero when we were growing up. Father had answers to every question you asked (Our generation’s IQ was such that, even your father could answer all the questions).

But now a days children have different heros…… Sharuk Khan, Salman Khan, Aamir Khan, Bebo, Samantha, Jackie Shroff’s daughter…sorry….er……son?, etc (Etc was not meant for Tiger’s gender. Don’t put me in trouble).

What happened to “My daddy is strongest”.

Take my son for example, he likes Justin Bieber so much, that he wants a name change, citizenship change and wants to relocate to US of A. Thank god MJ is with the lord, else my son may have asked for sex change as well.

Not that my son does not ask me questions, he does.  A lot of questions he asks. After getting answers from me, he googles it to learn the real stuff.  Sometimes I think he asks me questions just to reconfirm that his father is an asshole.

I mean, is so much information required?

Should so much information be freely available to children, teachers, politicians and Smriti Irani?

I think google is making all us fathers look like idiots in front of our children.

Come on, my son is only 10 and he knows more about climate than me.  I cannot talk about weather without my son correcting me every two sentences.

Sometimes I feel like telling him that my ignorance pays for his internet but then I back off because he would correct me there as well.

The other day he asked me why black people are black in color, I said it is due to climatic conditions in certain parts of the earth. Then he comes back to me to talk about melanin and other things that I did not know about. I appreciated him and stared at him for a very long time.  He was smiling at me. Luckily for me, I then remembered that he had not done his homework and we started discussing about that. But the bugger had that smile on his face for the rest of the evening.

Today’s children do not believe in violence, atleast I can beat my son there. They talk about how discussions can clear any problems, etc.  Their violence is limited to karate sparring with so much protection, I am surprised they can move at all.

They don’t play marbles, they don’t climb trees, they don’t cheat at board games, they don’t lie, they don’t taddle, they don’t complain to take off from school. I think I should be happy, but too much of virtue is also not good. I think our childhood consisted of all of the above and more, but we did not turn out to be criminals? Some of us may have turned out to be politicians or policemen, but most of us have real jobs which does not require lying on a regular basis.

My conclusion is…..today’s children need a taste of what the real world works like, they are currently lost in virtual world where you can turn off anything you don’t like with a click.

“Click”