Monday, 8 September 2014

Teacher's do or not to do....

Teacher’s Day

I am back on public demand. Now, don’t get the wrong idea, I was not in jail or something (My current boss, however thinks I should be in a straight jacket). I have not written any article for a loooong time.  Now I am back (Good things don’t last for long friend).
What should I write about is least of my concerns right now(I don’t know why that is important).  Recently I saw our NAMO on TV talking to students.  I thought to myself (Not aloud, there were people around) why would PM of our nation want to talk to students of our nation.  He should be out talking to students of other nations.  Our children have already gone bad.  You don’t trust me? Look around you, the kind of parents you see should tell you something.
So, here is our PM talking to the next generation and telling them how important education is. I wanted to shout at him “They are already in school……tell them something different”.   Then my wife asked me to pipe down .  So much for freedom of speech. He was talking to students on Teacher’s day.  Shouldn’t he be talking to teachers?  Telling them how bad they are, etc?

What next, will he be talking to AAP on Gandhi jayanthi?. Come on, who is his PR? Who gave him this idea? I can do better than him anyday (No comments please).

This is not getting us anywhere (Not that there was a goal to this article).  So, lets talk about Teacher’s day. It is celebrated on 5th Sept. Which year you ask? Every year you dumbass.  Why do we celebrate you ask? Google it junkie!!!!

Pakistan and Russia celebrate teacher’s day on October 5 (again every year) and UK too.  That should tell you something about these people.

On teacher’s day, we remember Dr. Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan, Second president of our great nation.
I happen to witness teacher's day at schools closely on several occasions.

None of the events at any school was about him, they were about what is wrong with India, it was about students knowing the pain of teachers, everything but about that great personality who should be remembered. In the years that we have been celebrating this great day, the essence of it has gone.  Right after school day, I happen to ask a few “Bright” students what the hullabaloo was about and they had no clue.

Come on schools!!!! Don’t lose perspective. Our PM may have forgotten to mention but you cannot afford this miss.  Our kids need to remember the great personality called Bharatha Ratna Dr. Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan, his achievements, ideals and what he taught westerners about our culture and religion.

Wednesday, 2 July 2014


First you have to understand the below saying on my blog to be able to understand this article completely (i.e., if you are able to read it completely)

As per Webster dictionary anger is defined as a state in which you are anywhere between pissed or super pissed.  Really……..I know you want to check your dictionary, but if you have a dictionary at home and want to search the meaning of the word “anger”, then you are a suck up.

Anger is an emotion which causes you to do stupid things like slapping people in public, slapping people in pubic (read it again), biting ears off in the ring or on the football field, barking at people with cameras, shooting at innocent animals and wearing T shirts which contradicts what you did, etc, etc, etc, etc.

There is no one way the anger manifests itself.

You have to go home late on your wife’s birthday to witness one form of anger or call her mother names to see another form or ogle at her friend to witness yet another form.

Physiologically speaking, anger is not good for health.  It is a proven scientific fact.  Try the following Harvard approved , psycoanalatically proven experiment and you will know.

Friday evening: Sit with your wife and tell her that you are missing her very much and want to spend the entire weekend with her alone.

Saturday morning: Arrange for a friend to call and act as if there is an emergency at the office and walk out without complete explanation.

Sunday afternoon: If you can, update comments on this post if you agree with me or not.  You will see that anger is definitely not good for health.

Anger and booze don’t go well together.  Both wants to take over one another and almost always anger wins, meaning you will have to spend more on booze.  See what I mean? Whether you drive when you are drunk or not is left to you…….but never get angry when high.

So, why do we get angry? when people ask this dumb question is one reason, another is when people don’t meet our expectations (Even I can be profound), last reason is when people meet our expectations (Like mother-in-law being nice on a day when you have mustered enough courage to confront her about too many visits)
Anger is gender biased.  Anger is a woman is entirely different from anger in men.  It comes for different reasons, shows itself in different forms and always (without exception) ends in the man apologizing.

In women anger comes for no reason at all.  Here they are giggling one moment and the next they are so angry you will think that Arvind K joined NaMo for “chai pe charcha” and the very next they will be in tears.

Men get angry for simple and understandable reasons. No change for smoke, lighter not working, too much traffic on a Saturday, too many kids around (Number of kids can be 1 also), India losing to Pakistan, power off during a very interesting match, your wife's beautiful friend calling you brother, your wife's beautiful friend getting married, your wife's beautiful friend getting married to an arsehole, etc, etc, etc, etc.

When you get angry, you immobilize yourself and cause a lot of destruction to yourself and everyone around your like Arvind K did to Delhi………trust me friends, anger is one emotion you can do without………..

Best ways to beat anger are :

1)      Don’t acknowledge it
2)      Stay away from negative people
3)      Don’t expect others to be like you
4)      MOST IMPORTANT : Don’t cross your wife………

Hell hath no fury as the wrath of a woman scorned – William Congreve


In simple words my boss used to say “Learn to let go”.  Thanks boss for those wise words, I am no longer getting beaten up at home as frequently as before.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

All co hol......

When god invented women (refer to my previous article – Rambling 2) he was laughing at the man and generally having a good time at his misfortune.

God had created man in his own image and woman was created in the general likeness of Jackie Shroff.  Hence the almighty had a soft spot for the man and wanted to balance the wrong.

He thought all night (Even gods think , not sure about Arvind K) and decided that once created ,life cannot be taken back (however horrendous it may be).  So, the only way to correct the imbalance he had created, was to give man something which would make things tolerable.

So, the All Powerful created a divine juice and decided to call it All enCOmpassing Holistic juice (Hence forth will be referred to as booze for brevity, he he, brevity……….get it? ……. Don’t? then you are that horrendous thing that the god created to get back at man).

Men are arseholes as I have proved in several articles (Only thing my wife and I agree on).  So…..when Lord came to man and asked him to take a sip of the booze to make things more tolerable……the idiot gulped the jug down and crashed.

When he woke up again, he was acting funny. He saw that the other living thing was beautiful and very interesting.  The huge boulder thingies she had were now looking very attractive.  When she frowned, it was like she was coming on to him.  So his next few hours were very content and he did things to which even god had to turn the other way.  He did things like, washing his hands before eating, washing his ass after you know what, taking bath, etc.

Now god was disgusted.  God was on a roll messing up things, like Rahul. But god was better than Rahul, he owned his mistakes and wanted to correct them.

Abracadabra!!!! he made one more of those women thingies and made her fall in love with the man.

As soon as the two women started talking to each other, god bit his lip, gulped a jug of the booze and disappeared leaving the man to his booze and women.

Thus started the saga of vices on earth which is still going on successfully…………..

Love or first flight

My first love was Anuradha.  I saw her in a basketball ground. She used to come there for coaching and I used to go there for leching.

I remember that she was dark and had short hair and generally not good looking. Sometimes I am not even sure if she was a “She”, but there you go.  

First love, not very specific about looks or even gender, I think.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not gay or anything but thinking about it now, phew.

I practiced how to propose to her for many days and on the D day, messed it up. She rolled her eyes and walked away.

This gets me thinking about puppy love (now, don’t think that I was in love with a puppy).  What makes a boy fall for a girl at that early age.  There can be many contributing factors like loads of free time, peer pressure, demographic imbalance in the gender spread,  parents having successful careers, jobless parents, lenient attendance rules at school, irregular or absence of PTA and of course there is this little thing called hormonal growth and stuff which I don’t believe in (Up yours Darwin or whoever invented it).

What contributed to my first love is a mystery, or atleast I would like it to be that way.

Anyway, it fell flat on its face and thus started my saga of disappointments in life. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had she accepted to my proposal?

If you ask my wife (which is obviously not Anuradha) she will ask you for her address to beat her up for not accepting.

My marriage is also a love marriage, after proposal, eloping, hardwork (on my wife’s part), facing difficulties in life (on my wife’s part), enjoying (my part), etc.  I am a very happy man today because of love.  Because that is the only thing that is keeping my wife from planning some hideous way of getting rid of me. Ahhhhh, aint love grand?

One more love of my life is my son…….. he absolutely adores me (he also hero worships me – refer to my previous article “My daddy strongest”).  You should see the love in his eyes when I buy him inconsequential things like Rs. 12000/- tab, Rs. 8000/- guitar which he never uses, Rs. 800/- skate board which he does not know how to use, especially when I tell him it is ok to watch TV late in to night on school nights. Such is the grand way of love between father and son.  But my wife disagrees.  What do women know, right? Right?

The fun of following a girl home, letting her know in no uncertain terms that you are interested in her, showing her off to your friends and when she rejects, sulking and using that gap to start smoking and drinking.  Blaming it on her looks. Such is the interesting way a man should grow.  It is important that a boy go through this cycle to be a complete man (wearing Raymonds will only add to confusion).

So guys, take time today to think of your first love and what you did not do to woo her and how thankful you are that she rejected you so that you can be with your wife. (Pssst…… wife is breathing down my neck).

My daddy strongest

This is one thing that all of us believed when we were growing up (I also believed growing up that Rambha’s thighs had its own galaxy).

Father was our hero when we were growing up. Father had answers to every question you asked (Our generation’s IQ was such that, even your father could answer all the questions).

But now a days children have different heros…… Sharuk Khan, Salman Khan, Aamir Khan, Bebo, Samantha, Jackie Shroff’s daughter…sorry….er……son?, etc (Etc was not meant for Tiger’s gender. Don’t put me in trouble).

What happened to “My daddy is strongest”.

Take my son for example, he likes Justin Bieber so much, that he wants a name change, citizenship change and wants to relocate to US of A. Thank god MJ is with the lord, else my son may have asked for sex change as well.

Not that my son does not ask me questions, he does.  A lot of questions he asks. After getting answers from me, he googles it to learn the real stuff.  Sometimes I think he asks me questions just to reconfirm that his father is an asshole.

I mean, is so much information required?

Should so much information be freely available to children, teachers, politicians and Smriti Irani?

I think google is making all us fathers look like idiots in front of our children.

Come on, my son is only 10 and he knows more about climate than me.  I cannot talk about weather without my son correcting me every two sentences.

Sometimes I feel like telling him that my ignorance pays for his internet but then I back off because he would correct me there as well.

The other day he asked me why black people are black in color, I said it is due to climatic conditions in certain parts of the earth. Then he comes back to me to talk about melanin and other things that I did not know about. I appreciated him and stared at him for a very long time.  He was smiling at me. Luckily for me, I then remembered that he had not done his homework and we started discussing about that. But the bugger had that smile on his face for the rest of the evening.

Today’s children do not believe in violence, atleast I can beat my son there. They talk about how discussions can clear any problems, etc.  Their violence is limited to karate sparring with so much protection, I am surprised they can move at all.

They don’t play marbles, they don’t climb trees, they don’t cheat at board games, they don’t lie, they don’t taddle, they don’t complain to take off from school. I think I should be happy, but too much of virtue is also not good. I think our childhood consisted of all of the above and more, but we did not turn out to be criminals? Some of us may have turned out to be politicians or policemen, but most of us have real jobs which does not require lying on a regular basis.

My conclusion is…’s children need a taste of what the real world works like, they are currently lost in virtual world where you can turn off anything you don’t like with a click.


Monday, 30 June 2014

Teaching today

Guru bramha Guru Vishnu……..nice idea……..
Land where teachers are compared to god.

I wonder why anybody would get up one day morning and decide to become a teacher. I can understand a child wanting to be a teacher because of the awesome power they have, but why would an adult want to become one?
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in standing for 8 hours and teaching to a bunch of nincompoops whose attention span is less than a lab rat’s. But look at the other options you have today?
You can become a software engineer and earn close to a lakh per month and get to boast about it.

I know a lot of teachers who are very happy in their profession (either that or they are living in denial)

 What makes this profession a thankless one (only thanks can make a teacher happy because the pay is pathetic) due to some parents who think they can run a school with a bunch of hooligans for students.

These parents think they don’t have to respect teachers but teachers will have to respect their children. I mean, I know this father who would not think twice about bad mouthing a teacher in front of his son because teacher asked his son to write neatly.
Come to think of it, father is right. He knows his son is not capable of any sort of improvement, then why bother the kid?
When the teacher told him that neatness carries internal marks, father actually replied “who wants marks sir, my son will run my business”.   He is a fruit vendor.

Today’s school is a funny place to work in. Not all, but few parents don’t want their child disciplined, they don’t want teachers to give homework, every Monday should be a “non punctual” day, if the child is not in uniform it is school’s mistake (should he wear it every day?) shoes not polished is also school’s mistake(How many times will he polish in a week?)

Over a period of time, teachers are left with two options, either do their job right and lose employment or dance to parents tune and turn the other way when a student misbehaves.  Guess which option teachers took?

Dear Parents,

You have all the right in the world to safe guard the interest of your child, but keep in mind that safe guarding interest does not mean being nice only, it means being nice and doing the right thing.

Showing anger on your ward’s teacher in front of the kid might make you your child’s hero, but what will your child grow up to be………food for thought.

Thank you for calling…….(Contd…)

Again, that does not mean all Team Leads are incompetent. Like I said earlier, I have seen both sides of the coin, the front side and the back side (I am still deciding which is which).Just like bad politicians, worst politicians and Rahul Gandhi ,there are different kinds of leaders.

Lets talk about the “all important” HR department, which is like tooth ache with hangover. Can’t decide which is worst.

In BPOs,wives of CEOs or CFOs of big companies are hired as HR personnel(Mostly).  They are easy to recognise.  On any given day they are dressed in jeans, kurti, their hair will never be in place, they are rotund and  short, wear thick glasses. They are short tempered and have “holier than thou” air about them or they will look like somebody out of Victoria’s Secret (By the way, what is the secret?), either ways they are annoying.

HR department is categorized in to several divisions depending on work load and competency.  Given below is a clear table on the same (Not to be mistaken to be inaccurate):
1)      Should know local language well and passable English
2)      Should not have any concept of weekend( for themselves or others)
3)      Should be able to give an impression of being a colossal idiot even to a complete stranger
4)      Should not have any concept of time
5)      Should have an excellent appetite
6)      Should be able to look busy even when nobody is around (Or is it, “especially when somebody is around?” I am confused)
7)      Should be able to handle snacks, lunch, phone calls and being an idiot, all at the same time
Any kind of graduation will help but not mandatory
It is a big team and hence :
1)      Should be able to keep each other engaged
2)      Recognise the strongest in the operations team and take breaks with him/her (Sorry, not breaks –Supportive Humanskill Improvement Talk, in short SHIT)
3)      Should be able to smile at people they hate
4)      Give legal reasons for playing with people’s lives
5)      Should be able to make pie charts out of an empty excel sheet (I know you are going to try this)
6)      Should be available in cafeteria at any given point in time
7)      Should be able to copy personality development PPT from Google, change colors and use it as Leadership Improvement Programmes (But they are original….seriously)

For the sake of sustenance, HR is supposed to train Team Leads on people management skills. So the above PPT is downloaded, color changed, a few text removed and then the same is added (No idea? – get idea). Then the concerned Team sits down to device a time table which ensures that the Team Leads don’t get enough sleep for a week, since they will be working night shifts and attending this programme(?) during the day time.  These people can put Hitler to shame.

Only Dalia Lama can be patient with this breed. I mean, you should attend this programme. Of the team who is supposedly training ,not even one of them have handled operations floor for a day, but they talk about how to handle stress, how to handle difficult agents, do’s and don’ts of communications etc.  Above all, they give bonding exercises (Hey aunty, you want to bond, come to our weekend party).  It is like our local temple trustee teaching Ramalinga Raju how to handle PL account.

However, I have seen some excellent examples of HR personnel. All of them quit before doing any serious damage.

You should see hiring team in action.  Their end to end solution is like watching a spoof of Allari Naresh movies, which are spoof movies in the first place. Half the interview , they are on calls with their consultants fixing more interviews. Second half, they are asking questions which are not relevant to the job in any way. Not all of them are like that, there are some good examples of interview skills, they all gave interviews in good companies and moved out.

To my friends in Human Resources : The above is my experience with a few people and not with the department.  I have immense respect for what you do and request you to continue doing the same, exactly in the same manner in which you are doing at this very moment.

More to come………WFM………

Thank you for calling…….(Contd…)

After reading the first article about call centers, you must be thinking “what is wrong with this guy?” (of course with some @#$% and @#$%^ and lets not forget @$&*&^%$%&*) but that is not the case.  I learnt what I know from my experience in the industry (Don’t judge my knowledge level by these articles, I have other ways of proving my IQ. Few are listed here : 14 years of marriage, 10 years of being a father, number of movies I have downloaded, my decision not to date Rambha, how to borrow pin numbers to extend my MS office version etc).

All is not bad in the industry, all that I came across is bad, lets say that, yeah, sounds better.

One thing that brings all call center employees together is their language. Call center employees have a unique industry jargon. Given below is a typical conversation between an agent (who works his ass out) and his Team Lead( Who thinks he is working his ass out).
Agent (Agent) : What is the meaning of this hike ? (Agents are known to ask this question no matter how much hike they get)
Team Lead (TL) : What’s wrong with it? (TLs are known to give that answer no matter how low the agent’s hike is)
Agent : What’s wrong?  I got less than Shunty (Shunty is a folically challenged call center employee I knew)
TL : You are not supposed to discuss your hike with anyone (That’s an answer?)
Agent : Everybody discusses everything, Yuvi (Yuvi a grey matter challenged employee I knew)
TL : Well, you are not supposed to (Still no answer)
Agent : That’s not an answer (Atta boy!!!!)
TL : Ok, what do you want to know?(See? I told you this guy is grey matter challenged)
Agent : (Sigh) all my metrics were in place for the period and I was selected for IJP and all.  I got in to RNR, my NPS and QA were the best, while my AHT saw a good trend with reduced ACW and hold.  No UAs, UUs or NCNS. Then why?.  Shunty always took leaves after salary, came to office drunk once or twice. He was on DAP and PIP, never got selected for IJP but he gets more than me?
TL : (First of all he just now realized that Shunty used to take leaves right after salary, second thing is he does not remember this agent’s performance) All said and done, it is the management’s call buddy.  I don’t make rules, I follow them. However you have a good chance in this WFM IJP, I heard Syed (That is the lispy idiot I knew) is quitting or being asked to leave.

If you have not worked in a call center, you can make out only a vague outline of that conversation by context, like the “Dil maange more” controversy.  But only call center employees will understand what’s happening.  To enlighten you these are the highlights:
 TL is close to Shunty.  TL also takes leave after salary, probably with Shunty, TL never conducts monthly performance reviews and last but not the least TL is not in good terms with his boss.

No money for guessing who will get promoted in the next WFM IJP.  Congrats Shunty(You are right.  He is the typical Lipum Inthe Assum breed).

Monday, 28 April 2014

Rambling - Chapter 8


On popular demand I am writing this article about my home town, Bengaluru.  It is a beautiful city (I know because all the outsiders tell me that).  I am from a very middle class area Malleshwaram.
The history of Bengaluru is a very interesting one which you can find on Google (do some work). History of Malleshwaram is also a very interesting one (Ref : Google again……gotcha).

Bengaluru is a unique city and well known for the year round spring (WAS…..) and daily drizzle (WAS……).

We don’t have any sense of distance.  You ask anybody in Bengaluru “how far is this address?”, he will look at it like Arvind Kejrwal looked at congress manifesto and reply “Ille ide ree”(Its here only sir”).   There are a few words in Bengaluru Kannada which is not present in any other dialect of the state, I will mention two here: Swalpa and Sakath.

You will know a true Banglurian by his answers to the following questions(This is for Bengalurians born in 70’s)

1)      Where do you go to BUY booze after 11.30 in Majestic?
2)      Where is booze supplied if you want to sit and drink say, at 2 in the morning?
3)      Which are the 3 main colleges to visit to improve your mood?
4)      What do you call the leader of a gang?
5)      What will the leader of the gang call you?
6)      What is booze called in Bangaluru?
7)      When planning for a booze party, what do you call it?
8)      When you drink only 90ml and walk out, what is it called?
9)      When you sit and drink with your friends what is it called?
10)   When a Banglurian is trying to convince you, what is the word he uses to address you?
11)   What do you call a beautiful girl? 2 names
12)   What do you call a beautiful married woman?
13)   What a Bengalurian asks a person who speaks in English all the time?
14)   Name the best idli joint in Malleshwaram
15)   Which area do you get the best “Kal Soup”? Name the road.
16)   Name of the theater in Majestic which shows only adult movies.
17)   After 10 pm, what is the charge to hire an auto from anywhere to anywhere?
18)   College in Malleshwaram which houses the easiest girls
19)   Name the bar in Malleshwaram that every boy from Malleshwaram has visited in his life time atleast once
20)   What do Banglurians call a nerd?

You give your answers as comments. Remember that this is specific to my area and it was a loooong time ago.  Just have fun, don’t do research.

More to come on Nammuru…….

Friday, 25 April 2014

Rambling - Chapter 6

Men and Hygiene

Just saying these two words in the same sentence will get women rolling on the floor with laughter which would be hilarious for a man as well, seeing a grown woman do that. But seriously, men are hygienic more than women know. I know it sounds like a BJP speech in Old City but here goes.
Basically, men’s morning ritual can be condensed in to three letters: SSS (Shit, Shave and Shower) which pretty much covers everything that is required to be clean and presentable.  I cannot say that for Modi (I am not talking about the shaving part).
A woman’s morning ritual consists of making ruckus about the bathroom condition, Shit, Shave, Shower, choose dress, wear dress, choose another dress, wear dress, choose another dress, wear dress………it goes on like that. Two parts of a woman’s morning ritual takes a lot of time.  Part one is shaving because the area is larger and slicker.  Part two is choosing dress. Choosing a dress takes lot of time because it has to meet with so many criteria. Some are given below :
1)      Should not have been worn in the last 45 days at-least
2)      Should closely match her friend’s but not the same shade
3)      Her “other” friends should not have that pattern (Women don’t have enemies, they have friends and “other” friends)
4)      Should have been worn by a celebrity in any recent telecasted event (Point of discussion for the day)
5)      Her husband should not like it (They will show you two dresses and wear the one you did not choose.)
6)      Should be her mother’s favorite (Point of discussion on the evening call to mummy)

I don’t know why women are under the impression that men are dirty and unclean pigs? We have reasons for the way we are. Take a Sunday for example. I get up, brush (when it suits me), have breakfast (not in that order) and watch TV.  I don’t have to go anywhere, anybody coming home….should do so at their own risk. So, why should I take bath.  Isn’t it a fact that bathing was invented to be presentable to others?  On the contrary I ask my wife, who are you getting dressed up for on a Sunday morning. I say it is ridiculous to go to all that trouble just to sit and watch TV.
Then there is that small matter of how to behave in public. When I happen to meet my wife’s friends I am as presentable as one can get.  There was this one women who we met in the market, she wanted to know everything about me(I vaguely remember her asking what are my identification marks). My wife was livid with me for not having shaven that day and she said “I told you to shave in the morning, now see what happened?” What’s the deal with that? Why should I look attractive to my wife’s friend?
To all the women out there, we have figured out what your problem is.  You want us to look like those guys in TV serials, right? Always immaculate, not one hair out of place, talking softly and maturely, crying at the drop of a hat, feeling for everything everybody say or didn’t say.  Getting softly angry if relatives don’t invite for some get together, not smoking, not drinking. 
Did you women notice that these men are always at home sorting out family problems? Did you ever notice that the back bone of the serial is extra marital affairs that the husband is having?

Feel lucky with what you have got sisters, there is nothing called a Hygienic Male.

Rambling - Chapter 5

Old Sayings are…..

I grew up listening to these old sayings.  Like, old is gold, what you sow so you reap, time and tide waits for none, so on and so forth.  I am sure even you have a few lines etched in your brain from your younger days.
Are all these sayings sensible? I am not sure. First of all why don’t they come out and say what they want to say instead of using these lines.  Most of them are irrelevant, indecipherable and probably non traceable to its origin.  If you actually trace them back to their origin, you will find that a man said most of these things after a few beers and a few pegs of tequila.
Lets take one for example…..”History repeats itself”.  If this is true then why aren’t we able to predict future accurately?.  If that line was true, you would have a conversation similar to this :
Astrologer (ASS.  For the sake of numerology I added one more S): Whad is your dade of birdth (read as birth)
You (U.  That significant you are) : dade of what?
ASS: Birdth, birdth.
U : (Perplexed) what is a dade of birdth?
ASS: (Perplexedth) the dade thad you dook birdth onn (the second n is not for numerology, that’s how he says “on”)
U : (Flustered, because I used perplexedth twice already) first dell me, sorry, tell me what is a dade?
ASS: (Now really angry at U, correct… you, for not undersdanding a simple word) wad will you do knnowing your fuudure if kannod undersdand a simble (now you got it righdth? Ha ha ) word lige dade?
U : (Egually, sorry ….equally angry) who is asging, sorry, asking you for my fudure? I am here to asg, sorry ask if you know where is the nearest wine sdore, store?
 Since this conversation is not going anywhere lets go to another version:

ASS: What is your date of birth?
U : 16th August 1974
ASS : Time?
U : for what?
ASS : What is your time of birth?
U : (With a sheepish smile) oh, 23:46
ASS : Wow, that’s specific. No problem give me some time.
U : Ok. Time for what?
ASS : To tell you your fudure, future.
U : Future? I just wanted to know where is the nearest wine stores?
ASS: Since we have come so far, why don’t you know it anyway?
U: What do you charge?
ASS: What are you buying?
U: Huh!!!!
ASS: What are you buying to drink?
U : Smirnoff vodka
ASS : One quarter
U : No, full bottle
ASS : You are really dumb, I said I will charge one quarter
U : (Again with the sheepish smile) oh, ok
ASS : Lets see, since history repeats itself, in next 5 years, you will cheat government of its money, become CM of your state for 49 days, resign for no reason, create havoc on roads, get slapped atleast twice and contest again shamelessly.
U : Wow! That’s specific.
See what I mean? So what do you think of that?.

My parents always told that these sayings were handed down from generations.  We are from lower middle class background, our ancestors could have used their time more productively and handed down property instead of these one liners which sounds like congress manifesto. Now unfortunately I am going to hand down the same shit to my son as well because instead of using MY time productively I am writing these BS articles which no one reads or understands.

Lets take one more saying, “What you sow, so you reap”.  Really?  You figured it out all by yourself? NOOOOOOOO. Come on, admit it, you are a scientist right?. 

What crap!!!! So you are telling me, what is true for plants and trees are exactly true for human actions? If that was true then everybody that Modi is contesting in this elections should be behind bars, or dead preferably.

I mean, where do they come up with all this? Worst still, it gets handed down.

You go and tell a Setu that “Old is gold”.  He will laugh you out of his shop and report you to his community in his next meeting of NPA (National Pawnbrokers Association) under the category “The most hilarious person I have met”.  Your name will be on their wall of fame, right below Deve Gowda’s.  I am not sure why his name is etched there.

Check this out : “A brother may not be a friend, but a friend will always be a brother”. -- Ben Franklin.  Obviously Mr. Franklin never met Salman of his time. I mean, he was after all one of the founding fathers of the most powerful nation, you would think atleast he would say something like “Your fudure is in your boss’ yands”.
To give you an overall picture of what I am talking about, given below is a sample sayings and my thoughts on the same :

My thoughts
A guilty conscience needs no accuser.      -- English Proverb<
If you cannot hide it, then don’t do it
A horse may run quickly but it cannot escape its tail.      -- Russian proverb (on conscience)
Horse's tail is not detacable Mr. Bean
A tree falls the way it leans.      -- Walloon (on rewards and consequences)
Wait till it leans, then run the other way
Bad gains are true losses.      -- Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Mr. Franklin must have been around for the 2G Scam
Conscience makes cowards of us all.      -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616)
Don’t think too much, just gulp it down
Depend on others and you will go hungry.      -- Nepalese (on self-reliance)
Bring you own snaks to the booze party
Depend on your walking stick; not on other people.      -- Japanese (on self-reliance)
Empty sacks will never stand upright.      -- Italian Proverb
If it does, video and upload on youtube
Everyone gets their just deserts.      -- unknown
Good then, mine will be Liquer
He that goes aborrowing, goes asorrowing.      -- R. Taverner (1545)
he who agoes asying athings with "a" will aget abeatn up
He that lies down with the dogs riseth with fleas.      -- George Herbert (1593-1633)
Does it matter to him. Really? Are you grooming a homeless man?
Hurry is good only for catching flies.      -- Russian (on the conduct of life)
Which Hari? I am sure he is pissed by this
It's no use closing the barn door after the horse is gone.      -- John Heywood (c.1497-1580)
Wait till it goes and then close the door and don’t make any sound
Let the punishment fit the crime.      -- W.S. Gilbert (1836-1911)
Rs. 200 crore stolen and the guy is roaming free. Sure, no problem
Liars often set their own traps.      -- Aesop (c.620-560 BC)
Learn to lie and remember them
Little leaks sink the ship.      -- Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Big ones does too, but no, we will not talk about them.
Medicine left in the container can't help.      -- Yoruba (West African)
The ones that you take will kill you, so what does yoruba mean?
Mess with the bull and one usually gets the horns.      -- Latin American saying
That’s tempting.  What happened to you will get trampled on?
No sleep, no dreams.      -- Korean (on rewards and consequences)
Then you are in good health
One who steals has no right to complain if he is robbed.      -- Aesop (c.620-560 BC)
If you are a thief and get robbed, then you are plain simple stupid
The creditor hath a better memory than the debtor.      -- unknown
But the debtor has better reasons.  On your face unknown
The eagle was killed with an arrow made with its own feathers.     -- Armenian (on paradox)
That’s just plain spiteful. You can even shoot them. What kind of a sadist will catch an eagle, take a few feathers, release that eagle and then kills it?
The fat is in the fire.      -- John Heywood (c.1497-1580)
All thin ones, run…….
The frog enjoys itself in water but not in hot water.      -- African proverb Wolof Tribe
Once the frog is in hot water, Goans enjoy them
The proof is in the pudding.      -- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616)
Then don’t tell the police, idiot
What breaks in a moment may take years to mend.      -- Swedish Proverb
Time pass. If anything breaks in a moment, it is not worth mending. It will break again.
What you give is what you get.      -- unknown
Not true, sometimes you don’t get anything back.
You can't buy an inch of time with an inch of gold.      -- Chinese (on time and timeliness)
If you are going around with gold asking for time in exchange, let me know where you are.

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Rambling - Chapter 3


A necessary evil, if you ask me. It is like our Bollywood movies, general elections, TV Serials, etc. I am a fairly good driver, but sometimes it takes a race car driver to reach office on time. Where I stay, people have severe depth perception issues. They cant make out difference between the road and you. So you constantly have to keep looking back to ensure that you don’t get run over, but then the problem is, when I tried this, I ran over some street vendors.
Added to this there is another peril. Yes, you guessed it right….women drivers. That omnipotent species who are driving insurance industry to the top of the chart. I don’t get whats wrong with them, I mean when you are on a bike, lets say, what do you do if you are head on with another vehicle or Khusboo? If it is the first one you apply break, if it is the second one, you apply break and ask her out…..right? .  Noooooo, a women will not do either of them.  She will remove both her hands from the handle, close her ears and give out a shrill cry for the benefit of the public. Then what happens? The other vehicle is obviously at fault because he is a he and if the other vehicle happens to be Khushoo, then it is a win win.
Take a ride in my neighborhood, your experience will be somewhat like this: 1st gear, speed breaker, 2nd gear, speed breaker, some kids, another vehicle which is parked almost in the middle of the road than another speed breaker, some more kids, speed breaker, a family making major decisions in the middle of the road, speed breaker, kids, a person in car is searching for an address, speed breaker, kids, kids, kids, and it goes on. Did you notice you never reached 3rd gear? I am not exaggerating.
You might think I have some serious issues with women drivers, I beg to differ.  I don’t have any serious issues with women drivers, any citizen with half a mind towards reaching retirement intact and one day dying in bed peacefully has serious issues with women drivers. It is not that women cannot drive, of course they can, it is just that women should not drive, because they have other priorities like makeup, hair out of place, attending to calls, make up, hair out of place etc.
Another category of traffic criminals are husbands teaching their wives to drive.  I appreciate the planning the husband is doing to get rid of his wife, but what about the traffic?. Oh, that reminds me, I have to take my wife for driving lessons this evening (he he he he).

I have devised an ingenious plan to get rid of this menace.  While issuing license, RTO authorities must insist on NOC from mother-in-law of the woman applicant (villainous laugh).

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Rambling - Chapter 2

When god created earth, he was in a very happy mood.  He was very proud of what he had done and wanted to show it off to somebody (A natural tendency in men, god or not).  So he called Adam and asked “Yo, Adam, what do you think?”. To which Adam replied by asking “’bout what?”.  God smiled at his naiveté(A natural tendency in gods to think everybody is naïve)”My son, the world around you?, the lush green trees, fresh water, chirping birds, wild animals, cool breeze and of course apples”.  Adam looked around for a while in surprise and asked “What about them?”. This time god was a little irritated “What about them? What do you mean? Aint it awesome?”.  Again Adam had that look on his face that Modi had when AAP won. For a while, Adam did not say anything.  Then he looked at the Lord Almighty and asked again “Come again bro? what did you want to know?”.  Now god was really really pissed.  How dare this mere mortal not even notice his wonderful creation.  But he was god, the personification of patience and epitome of forgiveness, so he gulped down his wrath and in his godly voice (which is somewhere between Ambrish Puri’s angry voice and Sachin Tendulkar’s victory voice)he explained his question again “I wanted to know what the fuck do you think of the creation around you. You know those green things that are fluttering, small lively things that float in the air without any strings, that blue thingie which you just washed your ass in and of course, lets not forget that red round thing which I asked you not to eat but you went ahead and ate the fuck up anyway. What do you think of these?”.  Now Adam looked like he just went for a royal poop (of course he did you nincompoop. Didnt you read that phrase where god said he washed his ass?).”Oh, those things? Huh, pretty ok by me I guess.  I mean, you are god after all and you have all these cool powers.”.  Now, the all powerful really got it to his head.  “7 days I sat and did this shit one by one and all this idiot says is “ok?”.  I will show him” thought the Lord and hence created women.
Now, the historians, mythologists and their kind may dispute the above fact but it only goes to show how much they know. You see, if Adam had given a good answer instead of replying like Modi ,when asked where he got money for his election campaigning, then may be God would have created one more man, this time with some beer bottles in hand. But nooooo, this first idiot had to act like Arvind K when he got slapped in public for the second time and had to say that stuff.  Now we are stuck with this other species who ought to have grown on trees.  I personally don’t have anything against the fairer sex(I am all for them while  they are between 22 to 30 years) but history has time and again proved that it is because of them that world is where it is.
Lets take a closer look at men when he is around women.  When a man is with his wife alone (no, don’t go there.  This is a decent article and I don’t want it censored) he acts the way she wants, while thinking that’s what he wants.  That’s the power a wife has over her husband. Take my marriage for example, my wife is a very beautiful woman, who is multi talented. She can cook, clean, wash, keep records of whatever she keeps record of , watch multiple mega serials without getting confused or numb in the brain, remember my birthday, remember all the time that I did not remember her birthday, choose what dress I wear, etc etc.  Wow, just listing them got me tired.  She does all this but cannot remember to bring coconut for breakfast (Ref : Rambling – Introduction). It is uncanny how she knows when I get calls from friends to fix a date for a party, that too while on the call. For example, only last week my friend Raj (I will be writing a chapter on this guy later for better perspective) called and invited me to his home because his family will be away on vacation.  While on the call my wife walks in from the kitchen and just stands there looking at me and all I was saying was “Aaha” “ummm”, “ok”, “that’s fine”, “correct”.  How can she deduce, what she deduces only from that is beyond me. God has bestowed this power to all women is my strong belief.
They have all these cool powers.  They are called women’s intuition. They know what you are going to say next or even what you are going to do next.  Remember that lady in the window you read about in the first chapter? Well ,my wife knows about her. How did god create this miracle and clung on to sanity is an eternal, unanswered question.
All women are alike.  They like to talk about everything on earth (make it everybody on earth).  If you witnessed a kitty party (Medically not recommended) you will find that all of them are talking at the same time but somehow manage to understand each other.
Well, to sum it up, they are cooler than men (I know my wife will read this and I still have not bought that coconut).
Hats off to all the women, all you men can go to hell (not the married ones, you are already in one)